Motivation, where did you go?

I have finished 5 pitches to submit to Super Deluxe. It is really scary to submit stuff like this, you really start to second guess yourself and fill your self up with doubt. But that is poison, so I have decided to actually have faith that my shit is good. Heck it's fucking great! In fact it's extremely creative and funny.

I'm going to fucking nail this thing! YEAH YEAH YEAH!!!!!!!!

I also started a screenplay today and I'm 3 pages into it. I'm going to try to barrel through as much of it as I can without planning it out at all. I know this will bite me in that ass around page 30, but this script has been bouncing around in my head for a couple years. I want to get a really rough draft of it done in like 3 weeks. It is a Rom-Com, so it isn't hysterically funny, but it will have some pretty good moments.

I'm also going to start this animated kids film I have wanted write for years tomorrow or next week. I'm just trying to get better at writing and I want to have some scripts under my belt to shop around.

They say write what you know, but if I did that my movie would just be about a guy sitting in his boxers all day masturbating, and that would be a terrible movie. Actually it would play big in Chelsea or Oak Lawn, but none of my family would go to it.

OK, I've got to bang out a couple more pages before the wife gets home and expects me to talk to her or something.

I have a show next Wednesday at 9:30 at the UCB Theater, I'm looking at you Matt, so come out and bring your friends, I'm looking at you Blue Sky Employees.

Thanks to all who watch the FNGR on Funny or Die. Keep it up and I'll be Immortal before you know it.

Guilty!

Well folks the trial is finally over and I can officially spill the beans. Basically some dude stabbed this other dude. Lots of witnesses plus a crazy defendant equals guilty.

The prosecuting DA had a bulletproof case. She called about 13 witnesses, when she really only need to call about 5. That didn’t help speed the trail along. This case should have taken a day, but since the DA called everyone in New York up as a witness and the defense lawyer repeated himself over and over and over on cross examination it took a week and a half.

The DA was about 26 years old, 6 foot something, pale white, about as skinny as Nicole Ritchie on a good day, and had jet black hair. This had to be her 3rd or 4th case. She was super nervous and had a cart of evidence that she rolled into court each day. I’m guessing she got picked on in high school a lot.

Now this is where the trail got interesting. The defense lawyer was 80 years old if he was a day. He had absolutely NO case, so he tap danced around everything and tried to convolute the entire trial with moral and irrelevant issues. He was straight out of an episode of Perry Mason; in fact I think it might have been Perry Mason, returned from the grave. I shit you negative when I say he looked like the crypt keeper. During his summation I thought he might start laughing maniacally and disappear in a puff of smoke. There were moments when his face resembled a skull, and the wisps of white hair residing on top of his head made it even more frightening. He was crotchety and easily agitated. He was a lot of fun. He made the trail interesting at least.

In the jury room we were almost ready to vote him guilty, but when you assemble a group of humans, there's always people that just don’t “get it” or want more clarification. So we actually debated for a good two to three hours, but the overwhelming evidence and logic of the case finally rung true and we agreed on a guilty verdict.

I’m not a robot, I know that’s hard to believe because I’m made of metal and am full of circuit boards and wires, but I did feel really bad after I said the word guilty. I’m no saint and I certainly will have a lot to answer for when my clock stops ticking, but I really did feel like I wasn’t qualified to judge another persons actions. At the end of the day, he did commit a crime, and one that could have conceivably killed a man, so he did deserve the verdict he received, but it hurts my heart to think that I just sentenced a man to a punishment that will not only disrupt his life, but his wives life, his family’s life and his friends lives. I guess if I didn’t feel any sympathy I would need therapy, or at the very least a new emotion chip.

There can be only one?

Sorry to slap another self starting video into my blog, but dammit I don't know how else to get this thing 100,000 views on the Funny or Die website. You see, if a video has a 4 or higher rating and gets 100,000 views, it becomes what they call "Immortal" and at that point voting is suspended and the video will forever be on the site.

What does this mean for me? Not a damn thing. I won't get money. I won't win a prize. Will Ferrell won't hand write me a thank you note with an 8x10 signed headshot. All that will happen is it will make me happy in my heart, and you can't put a price on happiness.

So here's the deal, click the word "funny" in the lower left hand corner of the video at any time while it's playing. You should then see a 2 second video of an audience laughing, that means it worked. Then hit re-load in your browser window and repeat this until your clicking finger is a short boney nub and your mouse is covered in blood.

I removed this video for a bit, will put it back up later...

Love you guys and I'll have another jury report tomorrow. Keep up the good work.

Back to Business

Nick Gibbons Inc. is back in full swing today. I didn't have to serve on the jury today, so I've been hammering out pitches in an attempt to get a show to on the Super Deluxe website. The pitches consist of some old stuff and some new stuff.

I also wrote two little songs for my new side project Ukunasia! (It's pronounced like euthanasia) the ukulele death metal duo. Their names are Bartholomew Bloodbath and Delilah Death. The first song is called R.Y.E. and the second song is called Baby. Good stuff, Satan will be pleased.

Right now I'm writing this blog entry in an attempt to avoid working on my pitches.... OK I gotta get back to work now kids.

Love Ya.

Super Secret Sneak Peak

I had a baby idea today and I threw together this little bit of propaganda for it. I have big plans for this my friends, big plans indeed...

Ears will bleed.

I got my hair texturized!

This cost me 31 dollars plus a 5 dollar tip for the "stylist" and a 3 dollar tip for the "shampoo-ist". The stupid look on my face was free. My mom gave me that.

Court wasn't so bad today. We knew going in that it was going to be a half day, 10am to 1pm, but it turned out to be half a half day, 10 am to 11 am. So I got up at 8 am and rode the subway 45 minutes for less than an hours worth of people bastardizing our legal system. Gotta love it. At least there wasn't any biblical style storms or fire breathing assplosions today. Good with the bad.

I left the court and made my way to my favorite pizza place for lunch, Two Boots. After helping to ensure I'll never loose those 20 pounds I need to loose, I left the place and walked 4 long blocks to the subway, only to realize I had left my backpack at Two Boots. I blame the kids today with their rock and rap music. I doubled back and rescued my bag from the crazy pizza guys.

On my way to the subway, again, I called a place called "Dramatics" and made an appointment to get a long overdue hair cut. They had an opening so I made my way there. I get really nervous in these places for some reason. Maybe it's because the girl that cut my hair looked almost exactly like Paris Hilton, minus the chihuahua and orange jumpsuit. After another attractive woman shampooed me into submission, Paris asked me if I wanted her to "texturize" my hair. I asked her what that meant and she said some stuff, I think, I stopped listening after about 2 seconds and just agreed to whatever she said. She could have given me a mo-hawk and I would have said it was cool. After 7 minutes, the deed was done and I was officially texturized, and you know what folks... I feel texturized, and it feels good.

Now that I'm super hot I'm probably going to get that call from George Cloony to be in Oceans 14.

Set Sarcastic Volume to 11, Now...

Another great day taking part in our wonderful and efficient legal system. In NO way is ANYONE involved in this trial wasting our time or money as Americans.

OK, turn the sarcastic volume back to a normal level now and turn your sympathy volumes up.

So I wake up at 8 am this morning because I have to be at the court building at 9:45 am. I get ready and leave my house. It's raining pretty hard, but I only have a 20 foot walk to the subway station so I run to the entrance without using an umbrella. 45 minutes later I arrive at my stop. I exit the subway station into one of the most horrific downpours of rain I've seen in a long long time. I'm talking arc building rain. I open my sorry excuse for an umbrella and venture out. This umbrella is LITERALLY the shittiest umbrella that an umbrella maker has ever unleashed unto the world. Clearly this umbrella should be marked with a label that reads, "Useful only in the desert or if it's not actually raining."

Hey, it's only 8 blocks to the court building.

I can't express enough that every use of the word LITERALLY in this blog can be taken literally.

I literally looked like I jumped into a swimming pool when I arrived at the court building. 10 minutes early by the way. We were told to be there at 9:45, the proceedings proceeded at 10:45, at which time it had stopped raining.

Oh did I mention I had to miss an audition because of this jury duty? Did I mention it's the first audition I've gotten since I quit? Did I mention it was for an acting gig that could have gotten me 20 grand if I had bagged the role?

Luckily the court room is always a chilly 63 degrees, perfect for people who are soaking wet.

At lunch I walked around China Town and realized that a person could get lost there and never be seen again. I swear to God every street looks the same and I walked down several little alleys where I could have been grabbed pulled into a doorway and sold into the Chinese white slavery trade.

I was super hungry and couldn't read any sign. I was hoping at least one Chinese family was going to buck the trend and open an Irish Pub so I could've gotten a nice Sheppards pie for lunch. Nothing. Instead I went in a weird Chinese restaurant, and ordered form the vegetarian menu. That way they couldn't slip in any weird sea creature or strange part of a duck. I ordered something called the Buddha Special. I figured, that dudes super fat, this has got to be good. It wasn't. I know it was all vegetables, but I still have no idea what I ate. I did get rice with it. The rice was great.

We got let go at 4:10 pm, incidentally the exact time the audition was over. I'm home now and out of my wet clothes. I was going to take a nap because I have a show tonight at the UCB, but instead I wrote this. I hope at least one of you can get some joy out of my day. Time to start drinking.

Law & BOREDer

Well my first day of juroring has come to a close. I can't tell you anything about the case yet. I can tell you however that, luckily, I had terrible stomach cramps coupled with hot and spicy diarrhea for the first part of the day. Let me go on the record as saying, nothing goes better with sitting in a room you can't leave for hours than diarrhea and an asshole that feels like lava has been erupting out of it for days.

I can tell you what I did for lunch today. I went to a little place in the court district called Wow Cafe. While I ate my lunch I saw not 1, not 2, but 3 people angrily return their order because it was wrong. I guess the Wow stood for "Wow you guys suck"

They have a couple laptops from the 1940s in a small room so jurors can check their e-mail. After you wind the crank a couple of times, it started up the laptops combustion engine. I guess a lot of jurors have bad eyesight, because the resolution on the monitor was so low that I could only read about two letters of my e-mail at a time.

After one of my "sessions" in the courts lovely and lush public bathrooms, I exited my stall to discover a dude smoking, what I believed to be pot in the stall beside me. I saw him because the stall he decided to this this in didn't have a door. He was startled when I came out and I smelled smoke for a second. He acted really suspicious when I saw him and he quickly left the bathroom. I don't smoke pot, but I can think of about 1000 safer places to light up a blunt than a NYC court house bathroom.

I really really really want to ask the judge after the trial when this episodes going to air, but I think I might get thrown in jail.

More tomorrow my pretties.