Friday, October 31, 2008

Happy Hollow Tooth

I just got root canaled baby!

I can't wait to dive into my candy bucket! I'm eating all the hard candy first.

I can't feel the right side of my face right now. I hate not knowing if I bit a huge chunk off my tongue by accident or not. Root canals are expensive. I can't figure out why something that sucks so much cost so much. It's like paying to get beaten up. I guess the whole "my tooth could rot out of my head and eventually the infection could reach my brain and then I could die" is a "good reason" to get a root canal. It still sucks.

The doctor was great. It was my first time there and he was very informative and very personable. Here is what he used to, what smelled and sounded like, install cabnets in my mouth.

He started drilling into the tooth and it smelled like someone was grilling a live cat.

I gotta go try to eat something now without drooling all over myself. Have a safe Halloween everyone.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

No. 1 Fan

Ok, I'll admit it, I make myself laugh. I laugh at myself a lot. I think I'm funny at least 67% of the time. Is that pretentious or narcissistic? I mean I'm a comedy writer, so if I don't like the "comedy" I'm writing than what the hell am I doing with my life right?

I think it's healthy for someone to like themselves. Most people don't like themselves. That's why there's so many porn stars and politicians. There are lots of things I don't like about myself. I haven't swallowed the Nick Gibbons cool aid yet, I just swish it around in my mouth. Here's a list of some of the things I don't like about myself:

1. I wish I wrote more.
2. I wish I worked worked harder to achieve success in my field.
3. I wish I knew/cared more about politics, history, literature and horticultures.
4. I wish I didn't masturbate so much/violently.
5. I wish I could play the tuba.

I'm somewhat humble at my core, but I do make myself chuckle more often than not. I've made tons of short films and written tons of sketches. I like most of them, but I'm self aware enough to know they aren't all golden eggs. My shit does stink occasionally.

I like to go back and watch my older stuff. I do actually forget a lot of the things I've made. Once I make a video or write a sketch, it's out of my head forever, so watching or re-reading my old material is often times surprising and new. Like the Love Boat. It is however embarrassing to get caught watching myself at work.

Basically this blog is an attempt to explain why I'm reposting an old commercial I made for my DVD. I think this thing is really funny and it makes me chuckle every time I see it. I made it all alone one day in our old apartment in New York. There's a lot going on in it and it was a bitch to make. More importantly, if your lame ass hasn't bought one of my DVD's yet, please for the love of God buy one today. Hell buy 5 of them today, I literally have 900 of them left.


Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Boo and Shit!

Howdy! First of all I wanted to say thanks to all those extremely fortunate people that were lucky enough to make it out to the show last week. They were treated to one of the best Night-OH-Cabaret's we've ever put together. We actually had very talented people in the cast this time around. It made me and Ricki look even less talented, but it was well worth it. Plus I got to come out in a speedo as Michael Phelps and set the land speed record in dropping F-bombs during a Night-OH-Cabaret.

I just got back from New York and it only took 30 minutes for me to realize why I wanted to get the hell out of New York in the first place. The subway is disgusting and anoying as hell. Everything is nasty, expensive, and smells. There are so many freaking rude people that you want to curl up in a ball and cry yourself to death.

Between attending wedding type functions for my wives good friend Heidi, I was able to shoe horn in 2 seperate 4am drinking sessions with old NY buddies, and a couple short catch up sessions with other NY buddies. It was great to see my friends and hang in all my old haunts.

The last day me and the wife both got sick. I blame the layer of disease and filth that coats NY. When we lived there we must have built up a resistance to this toxic environment. Being away for 9 months softened our immune systems. Next time it's hazmat uniforms for everyone!

I have a question about babies. Is there a law that states once you have a child during the month of October you must plunk it down in a pumpkin patch and take its picture? Don't get me wrong, it's cute as hell, but everyone I know with a toddler has sent me a picture of said infant dressed in orange sitting amongst pumpkins. The babies don't seem to mind, but I'm starting to want to carve faces and place candles inside babies.

I decided to make my Halloween scarier than any of you lame ass bitches. What's that Mike? You're going to a haunted house run by ex junkies. That ain't shit when you find out what I have in store! Huh, Sally, you're spending the night in an actual haunted house and using a Milton Bradly Ouji board. That's wimpier than taking a picture of a baby in a pumpkin patch compared to my plans. A night at Crystal Lake on Friday the 13th with Rob Zombie can't touch my Halloween activities. I'm getting a freaking root canal on Halloween! A SCAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARY ROOT CANAL...with no local anesthetic!!!!!! And the doctor is far sited!!!!!!!!!

I'm so pissed I have to get a root canal. What's worse is they might have to extract the whole tooth. I'm going to be freaking reenacting a scene from "Saw 17" on Halloween this year. The scariest thing is we just discovered that our dental insurance sucks harder than Dracula in an Amish community on a bender.

I'll post some NY pics next time. Have a great Halloween!

Monday, October 13, 2008

Hair a go gone

Yes, my life is so boring these days that I'm blogging about getting a hair cut while listening to "Bang a gong" by the Power station on retro radio on iTunes. It has been a long time since I had the old ears lowered though, about 3 months. It was getting pretty ridiculous. I looked like a crazy homeless dude, hell I looked like a regular homeless dude.



Now I'm ready for that job on Wall Street, apparently you don't have to know what the fuck you're doing there to have a job, I'm perfect.

Now for Gods sake buy your freaking tickets for the Cabaret! Seriously.
Click here to buy tickets to Ricki Derek's Night-oh-cabaret via

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Posting Posters Pleases

I love doing a Night-OH-Cabaret close to a holiday, because it gives me the chance to make tons of themed posters for the show. I'm not sure whether or not these help to get butts in the seat, but at least it helps me to be creative.

I'm going to post all the posters I've done so far for the upcoming show for fun and easy consumption right here and right now! Also, buy a freaking ticket already! Just click the button and do it. You'll have a great time and it will hep you forget about how shitty the economy is for a couple hours.
Click here to buy tickets to Ricki Derek's Night-oh-cabaret via

Click here to buy tickets to Ricki Derek's Night-oh-cabaret via

Click here to buy tickets to Ricki Derek's Night-oh-cabaret via

Click here to buy tickets to Ricki Derek's Night-oh-cabaret via

Click here to buy tickets to Ricki Derek's Night-oh-cabaret via

Click here to buy tickets to Ricki Derek's Night-oh-cabaret via

Click here to buy tickets to Ricki Derek's Night-oh-cabaret via

Click here to buy tickets to Ricki Derek's Night-oh-cabaret via