Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Happy Hallo-Blog

Last night Nancy and I carved the shit out of some pumpkins in honor of All Hallows Eve. You can almost taste the carnage.

I dreamt this or saw it on TV, but either way I told Nancy it was better to cut the hole out of the bottom of the pumpkin instead of the top. I hear a lot of "facts" that I tend to regurgitate in everyday conversation. Sometimes these "facts" are actual things I've heard and sometimes they are completely fabricated in my warped mind. I never know 100% myself whether or not what I'm swearing to be true is in fact true. This time it turned out to work in our favor, so I probably did hear it on TV. I do watch a lot of talk shows in the morning... I mean I do get up early, jog, then work on my screenplays in the morning.

Here is Nancy defiling the ass of her pumpkin, don't worry, she slipped it a roofie first.

I like to pretend that I'm a really inept surgeon preforming his first operation.

My God! What have I done? Nurse, call the morgue immediately!

Look at the mess we made. Nancy is marveling at her gourdian masterpiece.

I'm very serious when it comes to carving. I'm a skilled artisan. I'm like the DaVinci of pumpkin carving. In fact if you look closely at the finished product there is a hidden code.

As Nancy glares at the surrounding mess, she wonders if it was all worth it. The screams, the guts, the pleading. Was her demented lust for the temporary adrenalin rush derived from violently carving a helpless gourde worth it? All she can do now is sit and wait. She will be judged someday for her sick cravings.

I pluck the eye from my pumpkin, blinding him, or giving him sight. It's all relative.

I used some vampire fangs I had to dress up my little guy.

There they are, your 2007 Gibbons and Crowder Pumpkins!

Have a great Halloween guys, watch out for razor blades in apples.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

State Fair Part 2: Fair Harder

My favorite game to play in the midway doesn't involve a ball, a hoop, or a coke bottle. Nope, my favorite game to play as we walk through the midway is count the teeth. The carnie worker to tooth ratio is always a bit skewed, but they don't let their dental inadequacies hinder their mood. You can tell how much this guy loves his job, he's practically glowing.

Next on the agenda was to go see the animals. There's a huge room full of goats, ducks, ostriches, cows, pigs, and other creatures. You can buy a little cup of food for the animals and risk loosing a finger feeding them. Throughout the feeding and petting area there were rows of hand sanitizing foam dispensers. A squirt of foam wasn't enough to make you feel clean, I needed a "Silkwood-esque" decontamination shower. Here is a giraffe.

Here are three of the cutest future breakfast sausages I've ever seen.

WANING: Only 18 and over can look a the below image, it contains graphic nudity.

Not 100% sure the sex of either goat. 110% sure it's super sexy.

This jerk kept trying to eat my entire hand, I was feeding it rat poison though.

This is my buddy Richard. He is a great artist, check out his stuff here "". Here he is enjoying a delicious funnel cake.

After eating all that food he had to take a...

Here is Mikey, don't believe everything you read.

I just like that no one is on this ride, it's like the fair after a nuclear holocaust, fun.

This is a huge house of cards that some dude was building while the fair was going on. He broke his original world record with this one. I want to think that's cool, but all I can think is, who gives a shit. I mean, how hard is it to stack cards for a month? I'm willing to bet anyone with enough time to kill could have done this, and yet he will be in the genius book of world records... again. Why am I waisting my time trying to write, edit, and direct projects that take me months to complete, and aren't guaranteed to even be very good when I'm finished, if all I have to do is bounce a fucking basketball a million times. But I digress...

There are a couple buildings full of vender's selling the shit you see in infomercials. This creepy old dude was pitching some metal dish that untarnished metal. Me and Derek got our wedding rings cleaned. The dude was talking 90 miles an hour about his product and every time I looked up at him and made eye contact he would wink at me. It freaked my shit out. Then later we french kissed behind the porta-potties for half an hour.

Next we sat through one of the worst excuses for a show I have ever seen, and I've watched tapes of the Night-OH-Cabaret. We had seen this show a couple years back and apparently this was it's 9th year at the fair. It was the marionette show called... wait for it... wait for it........ World on a String. BAM! Great name, terrible show. I can't believe that the people involved in this production go home every night and think that they have done a great job entertaining the masses. If they do, shame on them, they're at the State Fair of Texas for God's sake! The big leagues! The Broadway of Dallas! Take some pride in your work, untangle the puppets before the show. Put together a new act that I didn't already see at Six Flags 20 years ago. At any rate, here I am being molested by the Liza Minelli marionette.

I dozed off a couple times during the "show", because at this point we'd all had quite a few beers. After the show was over we went here...

I wasn't tall enough for the merry-go-round.

Instead of wasting our precious beer tickets on rides, me and Richard just spun round 200 times. Then this happened...

It was getting dark and that meant only one thing, time to ride the ferris wheel. The Texas State Fair has the worlds tallest ferris wheel, or maybe I made that up. Regardless, its freaking tall. Here's a picture of me and Richard in our ferris wheel cage. You can almost smell the cheap beer and fried food on my breath.

Everything looks better from far away. You can barely see the hopeless despair from up here.

Finally we rounded out the Fair visit with a stroll through the car show. There were tons of cool looking concept cars and 2009 models. If this little robot was any indication, the future is going to suck.

We missed the bird show, the frisbi catching dogs show, and the butterfly sanctuary. I can't help but think I'll be back again someday. I'm already marking my calender and trying to lower my cholesterol to make room.

Next time I'll talk about the night-oh-cabaret show, but I'm waiting to get a CD of pictures from my friend Paul. Sit tight loyal fans.

Friday, October 26, 2007

Texas State Fried, I mean Fair

I went to Dallas last week. On the surface my trip was to facilitate a big time awesome Night-OH-Cabaret show, but the real reason for planning a show that week was to go to the State Fair of Texas. I'm deadly serious when I say the ONLY reason we planned a show was for me to have an excuse to come to Dallas and go to the fair. It's always a great time, and this year was no execption. If you like to buy things with coupons, drink beer all day, have anything you can think of flash fried, and risk your life on a roller coaster made out of an erector set, then this is the place for you!

I arrived in Dallas Wednesday morning around 10 am. From there we made a pit stop at Derek's house to grab can goods because it was "Bring 3 can goods and get in for a dollar" day at the fair. Around 6 of us ended up going to the fair and this is what we donated to the canned good drive.

Stay away from Dallas for the next 2 weeks or so, because all the homeless people are going to have gas at the same time.

Several years ago at the State Fair, this ride killed someone and they took it down. Well it's back this year! It's not really that exciting a ride, but there's always the "could possibly kill you" aspect that adds to the fun.

One of the first things we saw at the fair was the human canon ball. Here's his wife's butt... oh yeah, and the canon.

Freudian much?

Here's the man, the myth, the community college drop out!

And here he is in action!

My buddy Paul used his bad ass camera to take a sequence of images and then I used the magic of photoshop to make it into an animated gif, however there was nothing either of us could do to make this more interesting. Oh well.

This little guy made creating the waste that is slowly destroying our planet fun!

Oh Nick, do you ever take a break from being hilarious? Answer, no I don't.

On our way to see the awesome BMX show, and by awesome I mean not awesome at all, Derek challenged me to a race on the slide. I won't tell you who won, but it was me.

Every year Derek wants to ride the roller coaster. It's a snug fit but with some vasaline and a shoe horn we got him into the car.

Yes it's as flimsy as it looks. Seriously this thing looks the the model of the roller coaster that you look at to build the actual roller coaster.

Here we are, best buds, sitting WAY to close to each other.

After almost dying on the roller coaster, we made or way to the BMX show. The "show" consisted of 3 dudes, all in their 30s, riding bikes over ramps as this other fat guy with a bad surfer dude dye job told us what the guys were doing on a PA system. At the end of the show they got 5 volunteers from the audience to lay down on the concrete as one of the bikers jumped over them.

No one got hurt, but dude, seriously, no thanks. I don't want to be in the back of an ambulance as my friends tell the EMP's that I was the last guy in a row of 5 being jumped over buy a BMX biker. I think they would be laughing to hard to save my life.

This guy, for those of you that aren't from Dallas, is Big Tex. I would look up facts about him and tell you how long he's been there, but I don't care. Lets say he's been there for 20 years or something. Anyway, his mouth moves very slowly as some dude welcomes people and informs them about the fair throughout the day. He's like a huge ventriloquists dummy.

The dude that talks for him does it live on a microphone. I had no idea what he looked like, but Derek did and he spotted him hanging out with some carnies. Derek told me to get a picture with him. I did.

Next order of business was to get a taste of some fried goodness. This year, everyone was a flutter talking about on e thing. The goodness that was fried cookie dough. We rushed to find a stand that was selling this delightful treat. We pasted 20 booths selling 20 different fried items before we found it. We gave them the 12 coupons and dug in. It was a little bit of a let down, but come on, anything tastes great fried.

And it came in this great classic car box thing, that made getting a heart attack seem fun.

OK that's it for today, I'll finish up the fair tomorrow. Coming up: animals, ferris wheels, and more fried crap.

See ya soon...

Thursday, October 25, 2007

There's no place like where I am now

Well guys, I'm back from Dallas and what a trip it was! I'm about to suck in all the pictures, then photo blog the ever loving crap out of the trip for you guys. Please be patient, I took 1 million pictures and it takes a while to find just the right ones to put in the blog. Plus half of the pictures are of my weenie.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Special 10th Aniversary Commercial

I was home alone all day, so I fired up the camera and shot myself a brand new, completely insane, commercial for my animation DVD. If this doesn't make you want to buy one, nuthin' will:

Lots of people have things like camera men, or audio people, and even lighting crews. Not me, all I need is a tripod and trial and error, it usually only takes three times to get myself right where I need to be in the shot. Plus I can say I shot myself.

10th Aniversary

Hey friends, I just realized it's the 10th anniversary of my very first "real" short film, Fast Driver. I made it in 1997 and sold it to MTV 3 months later. It has since been in several film festivals and on a ton of other TV shows. I don't say this a lot, except about everything I make, but this film has really become a classic.

What better way to celebrate this than by going to the "merch" section of this very website and buy a copy of the DVD. It's only 10 bucks and has tons of cool stuff on it. I know all my readers are going to hop right over there and pick up a copy, so that means, I'll buy one and my mom will buy one. Seriously, I don't have a job, for God's sake, if there is at least 1 millionaire that reads my site, please buy 100 copies. They make great stocking stuffers or Secretaries Day gifts.

If you aren't going to buy one, then look at this instead:

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Anime Fans Suck

I seriously think that all anime fans are complete jerks. Every time I receive a negative comment on "You Tube" about my videos, I go to the persons page and they have nothing but anime shit up. I'm not a fan of the stuff at all, it literally bores the shit out of me. I'm serious, I fill my pants with excrement if I see anime. OK so maybe I don't poo my pants, but I wouldn't know because anime is so freakishly boring that I'm asleep before the crazy "asian pop" music video opening is over. They should prescribe anime instead of sleeping pills, I guarantee no one would get addicted to anime, unless they're fat pimply face teenage boys.

If you're a fan of anime, I'm sorry if I offended you with this post, but I'm more sorry that you're a fan of anime. Maybe you could leave me a post and tell me why you guys are so damn mean and hate everything except anime.

Friday, October 12, 2007

Posters a Go Go

As all the cool kids already know, there is a super awesome amazing Night-OH-Cabaret show on Saturday Oct. 20th in Dallas. I thought I would showcase all the Halloween-ishly themed posters I've made for the show. Don't get super scared please.

Ricki Derek's Night-OH-Cabaret
Saturday Oct. 20th
Ozona's Grill and Bar
4615 Greenville Ave.
Two Shows - 8pm and 10pm
Only $10

Make your reservation online today, simply e-mail with your name, the number in your party, and what time (8pm or 10pm). DO IT!