Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Margaritaville, Population: Me

OK, so I may or may not have made a pitcher of the most amazing margaritas ever tonight, and I may or may not be a little tipsy right now. Regardless of my sobriety, I am going to divulge the recipe for the most awesomest Margaritas ever made... by me.

I was trying to go by a recipe, but I took the lime less traveled, and that made all the difference. That's the second time I've quoted Frost in my blog this month. I just realized, quoting a great poet is absolutely fucking useless if you quote their most well know verse. It's like quoting the "To be or not to be" line from Shakespear. Sure it's Shakespeare, but it's like the Diet Coke of Shakespeare.

Whatever. So I'm not the most well versed literary spokesperson. Who cares, I write comedy, and the best comedy comes from what people are most familiar with. Why should I waste my time reading shit that no one remembers or understands?

You fell for my trap! The best comedy comes from tragedy, thus I must be well versed in all literature. I must understand the complexity of man to truly understand his frailty. Then I must write a fart joke about that frailty.

I'm getting drunkenly way off topic. I think I started this blog originally to talk about how retarded this, the entertainment industry, is, and how, no matter how talented or creative you may be, or how many comas you use in a sentence, no one will notice you unless you are related to a famous person, or happen to be directly in front of a producer at the exact time that he or she isn't scratching his or her ass, in order to make any sort of movement forward.


So here's that Margarita recipe:

1 Chorona
1 cup of tequila
1 cup of tonic
1/2 cup of lime juice
1/2 cup of Triple Sec
2 Table Spoons of Sugar

Let chill, and I'll be damned if it doesn't taste as sweet as your 15 year old sisters nipples. It also might make you bitter and lash out at the very industry you are trying to get a leg up into.

Also you may end a lot of sentences in verbs and prepositions.

OK, I should have ended this blog with the above sentence, because, actually, it accidentally ended perfectly. This is an addendum to this blog, because after I published this entry I ran across the open word document that reminded me of why I actually started this blog in the first place. It wasn't to tell you a margarita recipe, which IS awesome BTW. It wasn't to get angry at the entertainment industry, which does suck balls BTW. This blog entry was mainly started so I could post my submission to the Onion. I have a friend who wrote for the Onion at some point in some capacity, and he said he would send them my submission. The Onion asks for 25 headlines as a submission, and I did them fairly quickly for this friend of mine. I then e-mailed them to him and he was in turn going to e-mail them to the Onion for me. It's at his point that I have no idea what happen. I'm guessing they didn't like any of them, but that's just the cynic in me popping out as he often does. He's like a twisted jack-in-the-box. You turn the crank in my side and it plays a Radiohead or Cure song and this jaded evil version of me pops out, to spit shit and venom all over whoever will listen to him.

At any rate, here are my 25 headlines for the Onion, of which I still don't know if they ever even made it to the Onion.

Environmentally Friendly Al Qaeda members Now Using Electric Cars For Car Bombs

God Finds Himself In Prison

Lindsey Lohan OD’s Then Continues To Party All Night Long

Police Discovered 2 Tons Of Explosives On The East River Around Noon July 4th, Possible Terrorist Links To China

Goddamn It! This iPhone Is Fucking Kick Ass! Have you Played With This Thing Yet? Fuck Me!

Special Olympics Awarding President Bush With Lifetime Achievement Award

Larry King Actually Muppet Operated By Frank Oz

Area Man Still Can’t Get A Date, Even Though He Has An Enormous Penis

Britney Spears Becomes Self-Aware

Nations Top Scientist Discover That Women’s Orgasm’s Are Useless, and Further More They Should Shut The Hell Up About It Already

Next Presidential Election/End Of World Coming Together Well

Russia Sues Sheryl Crow For Stealing Their One Square Of Toilet Paper Initiative

Michael Bay Eats Bad Clams And Has Most Over The Top Action Packed Explosive Diarrhea Of The Summer

I Really Don’t Want To Write This Article

Area Man Thinks Inspector Gadget Would "Accidentally" Win A Fight With Robocop

G.I. Joe Celebrates Over 50 Years With No Casualties

Casper the Ghost's Murderer Captured, Casper Too Friendly To Press Charges

Friends Getting Sick Of Tom’s First Person Shooter Flashbacks

Gas Prices Aren’t Nearly As High As I Am Right Now

Area Man’s Ending, More Embarrassing And Uncomfortable Than Happy

Man Who Hasn’t Read Any Of The Harry Potter Books Hears The Last One Will Be Really Good

Bush Enacts “First Dibs” Legislation

Robin William’s Thanks Team of Writers For Another Year of Humorous “Off The Cuff” Banter

Hollywood Executives Not Even Trying Anymore, And America Loves It

Area Man Believes Stripper Totally Into Him

Some are golden, some are turds. I'll let you decide which are which.

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