Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Up yours Fey!

What up bitches! Bet you didn’t know I was all up in Florida last week did ya? Well I totally was and I got tons of pics to prove it. Get ready for another “Nick Travelogue”.

My wife got a mandatory week off from work last week, so we threw together a make shift vacation. We decided to drive down to Destin Florida and stay at a hotel on the beach. After buying a weeks worth of non refundable nights on, imagine how delighted we were to find out that there was a category 4 hurricane headed toward our vacation spot. We loaded up the Fit and headed down south with high hopes and sunshiny dispositions anyway last Monday, not knowing what was in store for us. Turns out the hurricane decided to hit New Orleans. They really should turn off that enormous hurricane magnet. Why did they even build that thing?

The weather actually turned out great all week.

On the way down we stopped at a gas station that my buddy Todd told me about. There's a pond behind the station that had for real alligators.

Todd told me to buy some pork rinds and the alligators would eat them. I guess the alligator had just eaten a baby or something because no matter how hard I threw the pork rinds at him he wouldn't move.

There were tons of turtles in the pond and they would eat the pork rinds like they were covered in turtle crack. If all these turtles ate was pork rinds they must have terrible cholesterol.

After several unsuccessful attempts to piss the alligator off, we were back on the road. The whole drive was about 5 hours and 45 minutes. Here's the view from our room.

The first two days we were there they had two red flags waving, which meant the water was to dangerous to swim. We're tying to save these days, so we found this restaurant that had half price entries from 5 to 6. It was a pretty expensive seafood place right on the water called The Marina Cafe. We get to the place around 5:15, and it was really nice inside. Here's the view from our table.

We discovered where every elderly person goes between 5 and 6. We were the youngest patrons there. I was happy to see all the old people because I thought after you turn 60 you just lost interest in eating. The old people said it just gets better.

Here I am looking humble.

Mojito anyone? This vacation picture was sponsored by Bacardi Rum, nothing says beach vacation like Bacardi Rum... I SAID NOTHING YOU STUPID ASSHOLE!

I ordered the Peppered Seared Tuna. It was amazing.

The next day we took a walk on the beach and a dip in the pool.

We were almost eaten by a hideiously fat and scary pool monster.

But it was OK, he turned out to be friendly. Still fat as hell, but friendly.

The hot tub had this list of rules, and I've highlighted one that caught our eye.

There is nothing better than vague warnings. Especially vague warnings that someone actually paid to have printed onto a sign. "This may or may not quite possibly lead to an outcome or an event especially relative to an individual"

Since we couldn't get into the waves, we decided to go to The Track. The wife wanted to go for the skeetball, but I was all about the go cart track that had a spiral part that went up several layers.

I totally randomly hopped in number 69.

I was so excited to jam on the throttle and rocket into my nail biting race around the track, until I actually did jam on the throttle. The go cart barely moved. It went so slow that Steven Hawkins past me up in his Hoveround flipping me off.

After some coaxing, I talked my wife into having a go on the bumper boats.

It was me in one boat, my wife in another, a Dad and his little kid, and rounding out the bumper boat squad, a hyperactive sugar fueled 8 year old boy. I thought it would be a leisurely ride around in a tiny water craft. Once we sat down in the boats, me and the wife both realized that the small boats were equipped with squirt guns. Long story short, 5 minutes and one sugar fueled hyperactive kid with a squirt gun later, me and the wife were soaked.

It was all worth it though, because I got this picture.

Two of my favorite things to do.

Our next dinner was at a place called The Luck Snapper.

They had one of those grabber machines, but instead of a cute stuffed animal, you could grab a live lobster.

Poor guys. It's bad enough that they have to contend with a mysterious hand of God grabbing them out of a tank and throwing them into a boiling pot. Now there is some drunk douche bag paying 50 cents to hit you in the face with a plastic grabbing device over and over again.

We got to share our seating area with some seagulls who where kicking back a couple Coronas and some cheese sticks.

It's so beautiful.

What? I'm 20 yards away from a beach? No thanks I'm cool.

I'm not sure where, when, or why this happened, but my wife has a very unhealthy obsession with "boogie boarding". We stopped in at one of those souvenir stores and they were selling boogie boards for like 6 bucks. I cost more than that to rent one, so we took the plunge and became the proud owners of a boogie board. A boogie board with a pirate skull and cross bones on it no less.

The wife is much better at boogieing than I.

Notice how I conveniently hide my fat belly with the boogie board.

Here are a couple sand castles we buil... OK OK, we found them.

This was a gay bar.

I hope this dude is planning on making a coffee table out of that surf board.

There was a dentist convention in the Hilton the week we were there. On our last night there, the dentist had a fireworks show on the beach. We basically sat here to watch it.

It was 20 minutes long and we were 30 yards away from the actual fireworks. I was in constant fear one of the shells was going to stray off course and shoot at my face, my beautiful beautiful face.

This is the way I drink coffee in the morning. Jealous?

We met a nice older couple on the beach and they offered to take our picture. Then they offered to have a four-way.

We found a little dead jelly fish.

It was delicious.

On our last walk down the beach we saw this dude. It's me from the future.

I've been on a diet for the last couple of months. Stop laughing. At any rate, it's working and it's only working because I've drastically changed my eating habits. Which isn't easy. One of my favorite fast foody things to eat in Texas was a big honkin' mustard dripping Wataburger with cheese.

Thank God they don't have them in Atlanta, but they did have one in Destin, so on the last day of the trip, this happened.

Sweet sweet Wataburger! They also have the best ketchup on the planet.

I'll end on some post card pictures I took, wish you were here:

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