Friday, April 18, 2008

Stink Tooth

Happy Friday everyone! Just got back from the dentist and boy are my teeth tired.

This tale comes with a little back story. I've had a cap on one of my teeth for about 17 years now. About 4 months ago I was eating something and the cap lifted off it's perch for just a moment, and was quickly shoved back down into place as I continued to chew. I felt it come up and thought it was odd. Then a horrible smell emitted from my mouth. It was as if death himself had farted. The tooth seemed to be in place OK, and being a man I decided it wasn't a problem. Also being a man, I made the mistake of telling my wife, who is a woman, about my stinky tooth. She flipped out and said I needed to go the the dentist ASAP. Since then, she's had a problem kissing me passionately because all she can think of is ol' stinky.

I finally make an appointment 4 months later. OK I made her make me an appointment, after all she's the one with the problem, not me. I make my way around the maze that Atlanta calls roads. Nancy said the person at the dentist's office told her it was very important to be in the right left turn lane so I could turn into the doctors office which would be immediately on my right. I pull into the building, walk inside and look on the thing that has everyones names and suite numbers on it. My doctor is no where to be found.

Two of my hot buttons are being lost and looking stupid in public, being on stage doesn't count. I start turning red because I was embarrassed and lost. I call the wife and she tells me they are on the ground floor and their office is G90.

At this point I had to poop. I pooped. After pooping I walk in the direction my wife said they "should" be located. Not there, so I have to do my third least favorite thing, call someone I don't know and ask for help. After explaining my situation for a bit the receptionist finally tells me I'm in the wrong building. I'm 1000% sure this must happen all the time, but it was like pulling teeth to get info out of her, pun fulling intentional, almost a little to intentional. Not only was I socially awkwarding out, but I started getting a headache because I hadn't had any coffee yet.

The building I sought was next door, so instead of driving there I walked. I find the office, I was technically early, but my confusion had made me 4 minutes late, which isn't that bad for me. They give me the clipboard to fill out, but before I even sign my name, the nurse asks me to come in. She sits me down and says I can fill out the stuff while I wait for the doc. I start to fill it out again and the doc immediately walks in.

He's an older man, but very comforting looking. He sees that I'm filling out the forms and says he'll go finish his coffee while I finish. My head is pounding because of lack of caffeine, so his comments make me want a cup of joe even more.

He slaps on the gloves and starts poking around in my head. He reaches in and yanks the filling off. A cloud of green toxic smoke rises out of my mouth, forms into a skull and cross bones, then kills the plant that was in the room. I think it was a plastic plant which is even more impressive. The smell coming from my, now exposed, stinky tooth was overpowering. Either the doc has no sense of smell, or he is just used to smelling funky breath all day. He didn't reacted to the smell in the least. His face didn't melt off so I relaxed into my chair.

The x-rays showed no sign of decay in the gums. He says he's pretty sure the nerve is dead, so there may be a root canal in my future. Hooray! He said he's just going to reattatch the old cap. He asks me if I floss every night and I told him no. I would hope after 30 odd years of being a dentist and hearing "no" to that question from practically everyone that he might have built up a thick skin by now. I felt like my no answer really hurt is feelings and he lost a little respect for me.

I open my mouth to have the used merchandise reapplied. The nurse hands the doc what I think is the quick drying cement they use on teeth. As she hands it to him some of it flicks into my eye. Internally I start to flip the fuck out. "I'm blind! My eye is fucked now, I'm going to loose my eye!", I'm thinking. I politely and calmly inform the doc that some of that stuff went into my eye. He tells me to wash it out in the spit sink. No one is panicking, so I start to relax a bit. It turns out not to be cement, but I never really found out what it was. For the first couple of minutes as he is placing my tooth back in, my right eye is watering. The doc dabs my tears and I felt like we bounded, pun intended again.

We finish up and I'm sent on my merry way. Not without setting up an appointment for a teeth cleaning for the following Monday at 7 freaking 45 am! Nothing sucks more than getting your teeth cleaned, unless you are getting them cleaned before the freaking sun has even risen.

On the way back to work I got lost and had to call my buddy Todd to talk me back into safer territory.

Now that stink tooth is fixed, I'm going to force my wife to kiss the hell out of my mouth hole all weekend. All she has a problem with now is my terrible personality, my grotesque appearance and my unending supply of back hair.


Nick Gibbons said...

Nobody wants to comment on my stinky tooth?

dicky van tastic said...

I guess everyone is as upset as I am to learn you haven't been flossing regularly. Shame shame...


Sam said...

I am right there with ya, buddy. That day sounds like my 7th circle of HELL. Being lost, feeling stupid in public, asking a stranger for help, getting jizzed in the eye, stink tooth, and feeling shame for something I never do, and having to get up early for an appointment. Holy shit! That is an utter nightmare! Ha-ha!

Anonymous said...

I have a stinky tooth and googled stinky tooth and up came your story, I thought it was funny. I think I'll be a cheap skate and cement my own tooth.

Anonymous said...

Kike Zionists perpetrated 9/11.

Anonymous said...

This story made me cry tears of laughter, what a funny way of telling